Buttheads from Outer Space by Jerry Mahoney

Author:Jerry Mahoney
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781510732636
Publisher: Sky Pony Press
Published: 2018-03-02T05:00:00+00:00

12 See page 264 for our blog on taking pictures, humanity’s number one most worthless pastime.

CHAPTER 12

“I’m really sorry, dude,” Lloyd told me as we walked inside to tell the buttheads to beat it. “I know you’ve loved having aliens stay in your house.”

“Are you mental?” I said. “They got my iPhone taken away. They sat on my waffles. They overwrote my save files. They barfed all over the living room.”

“Yeah, they’re pretty cool,” Lloyd said, not getting it at all.

I checked my laptop and saw that Quentin had already posted his picture on Instagram. It was blurry and taken from far away, but in it, you could see a buttheaded weirdo through the window of my parents’ living room.

“Come on, Josh,” Lloyd told me. “Let’s break the news to them.”

I folded up my laptop and tucked it under my arm. Of course, when we got to the living room, IAmAWeenieBurger and Doodoofartmama were on their best behavior. The floor was spotless. The only traces of Oreo barf left were around the corners of their mouths. “Look, guys!” IAmAWeenieBurger called out. “We cleaned!”

“That’s great, guys,” Lloyd said. “But I’m afraid Josh has some bad news. Go ahead, Josh.”

I couldn’t believe Lloyd was making me lower the boom. I decided the easiest thing to do was just to show them the picture. “Quentin just posted this online,” I said. I opened my laptop and let them see.

IAmAWeenieBurger gasped. “That’s Doodoofar-tmama!”

“I know,” Lloyd said. “And it’s not even a very flattering angle of him.”

“Now everyone will know about us! All of Earth will learn we are here!”

Lloyd and I shared nervous glances. “Yeah, so it’s really not safe here for you anymore.”

“You are right,” IAmAWeenieBurger agreed. “There is only one thing we can do.” He turned to Doodoofartmama and had a short exchange in fart talk, after which Doodoofartmama nodded. Then Doodoofartmama made himself into a blob and started bubbling up.

He was sending another text.

We watched the bubble separate from the rest of the filthy ooze heap and float upward out the window. “I’m sorry,” Lloyd said to them. “We wish you guys could stay longer.”

“Stay?” IAmAWeenieBurger smiled. “Well, of course we’re going to stay!”

“I thought he was texting them that you’re coming back early,” I said.

IAmAWeenieBurger laughed. “No, he’s texting them to come!”

“What?”

Before he could explain, I heard a sound that stopped me cold. It was actually two sounds mixed together, that of a tiny car engine chugging down the street and of a middle-aged man and woman shout-singing, “We built this city on rock and roll!”

“My parents are home!”

I said it thinking the buttheads would take the hint to run upstairs and hide, but instead IAmAWeenieBurger started wobbling his way toward the front door. “Great!” he said. “I’ll be delighted to finally meet them!”

“Lloyd, help!” I begged as the Mini Cooper idled in the driveway.

“Don’t worry, Josh,” Lloyd assured me. “The four of us need to talk this out. Until then, everyone who wasn’t born on Earth needs to just hang out in Josh’s room for a few minutes.

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